2018 I’m Trying

It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide.  But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.

Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart.  She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.”  After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died.  The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.

Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…

On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing.  My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!

 

Suffocating, Grief….Will I ever get to the next stage?

For the pass two days I have been listening to music now this is nothing new for me. Music helps me process my feelings and get me to the next phase of life, However, July is coming and that is my mom’s birth month and every song from Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition to Fire and Desire by Rick James has me in tears because I can only think of my momma. On her birthday I would call say I love you and she would have  a gift in the mail, but now my new normal is looking at her picture and crying. I spend time talking to her urn, her picture and to God because I can’t seem to move pass the loss I am feeling. No one, not even my spouse can understand my connection to my mother because he comes from a 2 parent home and none of them are especially close unlike growing up where all you had to look too, learn from, love is your mother that bond is strong and unbreakable even in death.

I ordered 3 books off of Amazon and I started to read “Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died”  by Ty Alexander and I swear she is the only author that gets what I am going through and went through everything I did losing my mom to cancer, to speaking at her funeral, to my mother being cremated.  Both of mother’s had a DNR and I hated that she had that in place and I still have a full on hatred for the saying “Time heals” and “Are you ok?” If can not say anything heartfelt then just smile and keep it moving. 

You know at times I find myself longing for my mother’s salmon patties just like I crave my grandmother’s tea cakes neither of which I will never eat again. Funny, how you miss the tiny things your loved one do or say when you can no longer hear it or see them doing it. I only got to spend the last 4 days with my mother before she went to the Upper Room.  As I listen to my mother’s favorite artist Tina Turner, I will never get hear her rave about her love for this great singer.

When my family went on a cruise to Mexico I felt guilty because I wanted to take my mother on a cruise before I left this earth.  I never expected Wonder Woman to die… I am stuck on the guilt phase because I wanted to do so much for her and to show her things she wanted to see. As Tina says “What’s Love But A Second Hand Emotion… Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?” I like Ty Alexander have had vivid dreams of my mother and I talking, eating catfish, traveling only to wake up drenched in tears. I hate that I am weepy ass baby because this has never been my thing. Once I cry that first and last time I over it and I move on, but since it is my mother I can’t let go. I have prayed to help to move on, but so far I am still here and feeling my feelings too damm deeply for my taste. Crying hard with snot and crap is not in my emotional scale.

Well, momma I hope you are jamming some Proud Mary and you, grams, gramps and Uncles Sunny and Walter are dancing your hearts out at that feet of Jesus.

I LOVE YOU MOMMA ALWAYS AND FOREVER YOUR BABY GIRL

Being Black an the Police

I am at the end of my rope with the police who say “we are detaining him because he LOOKS like a suspect” I watched this video with tears in my eyes and anger in my heart because too many of my young Black and Brown males are dying by the hands of the police. Too many of these cops are walking away with murder, still employed and their heads held high. Too few of these cops are being held accountable for their evil deeds.

I dare you to watch this video and listen to the impassioned pleas of this young woman recording this video. I honestly think these women with these big guns would have shot this man if there was no one watching them. None of these cops no matter what city it is being done in are even worried about the consequences of their actions. The down hill trend started with Trayvon Martin when he claimed Stand Your Ground in Florida when this murderer was told to STOP FOLLOWING this teen. He did not listen and another Black family has to live without their son. How is this fair when this murderer is free to walk around  Florida and still pull guns on people?

How many of my Black, Brown, LGBTQ brothers an sisters have to die by the hands rouge cops? How many of us have to die by the hands of racists? How many I ask you?

I implore you to watch this video an think of ways you can make a difference in your community and the world. It is time to change an to make global impact on each other and the world. The time is NOW!

YouTube Feuds

LET ME TAKE THIS TIME TO SAY PLEASE ACCEPT MY HUMBLE CONDOLENCES TO THE FAMILY AND UNBORN CHILD OF KENNY AKA CURLYHEAD…..#RIH

I am all for people making their money. Get your paper honey, but when your a child and you are making videos cursing and threatening to kick some other YouTubers ass and that ends up taking an innocent bystanders lie you have crossed the line. This does not make your and OG it makes you a murderer. If you get online looking fool with shit color green hair talking about that is what he gets that reflects on you and your home training.

If you don’t have no morals then sit your ass down. Stop disrespecting this young man’s family and his unborn child. God is granting you a moment to get your life together and you and fucking it up right now! As a minority getting killed on the daily by cops and others and for you us to do it over a damm internet feud are you kidding me?

I am not going to lie I have my favorite YouTube channels that I like to watch such as Patrick Starrr and Got Damn Zo are two that I really like to watch. However, when you start talking about people like Eisha or Nyema I don’t know them nor watch them, but they are on Messy Monday often. What happened to fighting it out between you 2 not your bunch of hoodrats? Once you fought it was squashed and you move on. Instead you got kids talking about if I can’t put them in the ground…. What kind of shit is that? Think about this bonehead what if it was you that got capped? Would you feel the same way? What if it was a member of your family? Think dummy before your speak. Your consequences have reactions and trust me when God is ready to deal with you and all that dirt your doing I hope you are smart enough to confess your sin and give your life to Christ.

Kenny, had his whole life ahead of him. He was only 18 years old when his life was stolen because this stupid internet feud that he had nothing to do with. He was expecting his first child now he is his child angel watching from Heaven. The mother of his child has to go through this experience without Kenny. Kenny’s mother won’t get another birthday or holiday with her son. She won’t get another hug or kiss from her baby boy and when she wants to talk to him she has to go to a graveyard and talk to a tombstone.

Y’all punk ass kids do nothing on YouTube but run your mouth and cause trouble and give hell to others that do not deserve. Get ya life! Get a high school diploma and college degree! Do better! If this does not give you some perspective NOTHING will! You are not grown you think you are, but you are just babies and if you had to go to prison each of you would scared as shit!

STOP BEING STUPID!!!

Justice For All

They say that justice is for everyone no matter your race, religion, or sexual orientation..We all know that is a bunch of bull shit. If you are Black, Brown, undocumented, LGBTQ then your chances at getting a fair and impartial trial are slim to none.

When the top of the food chain is saying rape victims have no rights, but the rapist has parental rights something is wrong with his/their train of thought. If you can jail a child and rip them from their parents at the border something is wrong with you. If you think that it is just dandy to keep critical medication from those in your border jails then there is not humaness in you.

If you are standing by your man as he is ripping the rights of women and children away from us then you are just as evil and culpable as he is. You are no better than the rapist, the murderer, the man you married. When you yourself is not an American by birth, but by marriage you should think about having your rights ripped away from you. You have your husband’s ear and you are not doing anything, but stealing Forever First Lady’s speeches and staying silent on issues that matter makes you even more evil than your toupee wearing mate.

What kind of example are your setting for your son? It is ok to be a “grab’em by the pussy” type of man like your husband.  It is sad when you mute your thoughts just stay in the pocket of a man. Granted you got with a man that was already married to Marla Maples, so I guess this country of women shouldn’t expect anything from you. Being bought and paid for as a “kept woman” must be nice.

This country is going to hell in a hand basket because when you have racist, women hating, none caring being in places where they should not be there is no justice, fairness, equality for anyone. When you are only out for yourself and lying to the country no wonder others look down on this country.  When you want to be like Putin and other dictators you are killing the American spirit.  We as a country come to far for you to drag us back into the days of White men rule.  Just because you have 2 tokens in your administration does not mean anything. One over HUD that is not qualified to do this job and who knows what that lady does.

You are a disgrace to this nation, the women of this country, the children of this country, anyone that is different from you. I leave your ignorance, stupidity and your sexist attitude in God’s hands because He is the only one that handle you and put you in your place.  It is time as a nation to stand up and stand for this nation and make your wrongs right so that you can be shown your wrongs and put you in your place.

Justice for all with you in the White House is a joke that is not funny because its missing the punch line. You want to compare yourself with President Obama, but you don’t compare at all on ANY level. You first need a heart and soul and you have neither.

Today is my birthday and I can’t stop crying

My birthday has always been the best time of my life. My mom would call and sing me Happy Birthday (she can’t sing, but its cute) and we would talk and laugh. I miss that so much especially today.

I have been in tears since waking up today. My kids did not know it was my birthday and even if they did they never said Happy Birthday momma. That does not hurt as much as knowing that I will never have my mother sing Happy Birthday to me again. I will never get a 10 page text message from her. A letter in the mail. She is my Wonder Woman and I miss her more than ever.

If you are reading this take the time to call your mother and those in your life that you love call them, go hang out with them and most of tell them you love them. Tomorrow is not promised so go put your arms around them and tell them you love them because when they are gone you can’t tell them anymore. While my mother passed of cancer in 2017 I tell her picture and ashes that I love you momma every day. I look at the books and touch her handwritings, listen to Tina Turner cause she is her favorite singer doing these things makes me smile and feel closer to her, but it makes me miss her more than ever. So today on my birthday I sit in my office crying because I wish more than ever that I could get a call from my mother singing me happy birthday and calling me be the that nickname that I hated so much.

When you come from a single parent home the bond with your sole parent is unbreakable and when you loose that person it hurts you more than anything. I have never lost a child (Thank God), but I have to say this pain in my heart and soul just to hear her voice and to crawl and be in her arms just one more time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :,,,(

Lost

The closer my birthday gets the more lost I feel. I took my mother’s picture off the wall and slept with it. I wanted to feel her arms around me just one ?What I have I accomplished? Where have I traveled?

I have gained so much weight and I can’t seem to lose and the desire and fire that I had to go to the gym … well that is slowly dying too. I once had faith that I could do it and be 149lbs again, but that momma is slowly leaving me too. I used to be a big girl then I tasted the slimmer side of life… size 10 jeans, small to medium shirts, size 0 dresses have all just blown up.

Life is too hard with out having you here to talk to… I just lost in this life and I don’t know that I can or want to be found again. I have gotten back to watching they use to bring me happiness.  Seeing the actors go through trials and then finding happiness. Crying in my office used to bring me peace so to speak. Now I wish I had your bed because I felt so close to you when I was in your apartment sleeping in your bed.

I really miss you momma and I don’t know that this pain will ever go away.

How? Why? I just don’t get it

I am mom and I love my kids with all my heart and soul. As a young woman I never really wanted kids, I just wanted a career and mate. I wanted to travel the world and live my best life.

As a teen I gave my mother hell with my behavior outside the home, but I was NEVER disrespectful to her. I never talked to her any kind of way because I knew she would beat my ass and dare me to call the police.

Skip ahead to being married for 14 years and having a ballsy 11 year old daughter. She is bright and beautiful, however, she thinks that her ratchet little friends at school are some type of way to their parents that it is ok for her be that way.  Well, today that child has just crossed a line with me that she can’t come back from.  My heart rate is 106 right now and I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. I was ready to lay my hands on her and just complete fuck her world up, but in my heart I was praying for God to hold me back cuz I could kill her literally right now.

She had the nerve to try to take me down over taking her Kindle (that I bought) because I told her she can not got some radio station or whatever to hang out with her friends. We as a family have some place to be today. She knew about this yesterday and she knew that and because it is the last day of school that she is gonna get buck and feel froggy with me. Well, she learned real fast that I am not the one to want on your bad side. I told her that what ever she wants or needs to ask her dad, bc I am done. I mean that I am over it and from this day forward God and her father have her in their hands.

It is going to be long long long time for me to even want to deal with her on any kind of level.

#tiredmomma #godhasit #changeisgonnacome #ugggmylife