2018 I’m Trying

It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide.  But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.

Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart.  She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.”  After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died.  The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.

Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…

On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing.  My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!

 

Time Does Not Heal

When my mother died over a year ago every one would say one of two things to my brother and I. They would say “I know how you feel” or “Time heals all”. Let me tell you both are lies.  I pray that no one has to know or find out what it is like to walk into a room find their mother or parent  died in their home. That is a vision that will never leave me for the rest of my days. It haunts my dreams and my every thought. I was watching  a show on Investigation Discovery where two little girls get home from school and find their father murdered in their living room.  I have to admit that it caught me off guard and I broke down crying. 

1/5/19

Have you ever just listened to a song and for no reason you start to cry and get into your emotions? That happened to me early this morning when I was lip syncing to songs on Tik Tok. I ended up going to bed feeling sad and not really being able to sleep, but once I did go to sleep GUESS WHAT? My spouse work me up telling me he was going to the ER because his allergies had started to prevent him from talking. I have already prayed for God’s super to be the natural of the staff in the ER and for his total healing.  It is now almost 8 am on Saturday and I have only had what seems like 5 minutes of sleep. This gonna be a long day….

 

Where To Start and What To Leave Behind?

I know what you are thinking and yes, I am back and I pray God willing that I will be able to keep this blog going and maybe pick up some partnerships along the way, but that is not the sole purpose of this blog.  This is the only way to get my feelings out and not have them break me in every way.

I can not believe that 2018 is coming to an end and 2019 is about to end.  It seems like yesterday I was writing on here about 2017 and little did I know I would be losing my mother and trying to find myself all in the same year.Well, I am still dealing with the loss of my mother an I have yet to put my life back together.

I am truly at a loss for what my life is supposed to be about. No matter how much I pray and ask God for the “big picture” of my future I have yet to see it. I don’t know what to do with myself so Monday through Friday I go to the gym and eat good for you food and only to find out that I am weighing about as much as I did before I had Gastric Bypass about 7 or so years ago. It is like I hit the age that I am and BOOM perimenapause and bam damm the weight just came from nowhere. I mean I work out, eat spinach, baked or grilled meats, fruit, protein shakes, drink plenty of water, etc so I don’t know where the fat is coming from. It really sucks to not be able to sleep comfortably at night, knee pain, lower back pain, etc. I am just so uncomfortable these days. I went from 149 to 208 and I hate the way that I look and feel.

I have tried every fad diet, gel, pill you name it and I am ready to just tell my doctor to schedule me to have gastric bypass again, because I can not live like this.. Hell, I don’t want to live this way.. The only thing that stops me for just ending it all is that I have 3 kids that need me and I need them. And yes, I am married for 14 years and my marriage could be better, but I know that I am 50% too  blame because I have no sex drive and I can’t even muster the will to fake it. He is to blame as well, because his temper is crazy one minute he is calm and cool and the next microsecond he is cussing and screaming at us for whatever reason. Granted his PTSD is part of this equation, but you can not read the Bible and turn around and start yelling and tossing out cuss words like it is a dude in the strip club throwing one dollar bills at strippers.

I stop trying to change him years ago and started trying to change me instead. I read my Bible, journal my thoughts and prayers, give Him praise for who He is and not what He does for me or my family. I truly believe that there is more out there for me and I can’t achieve them living here Pineville. I need to be in a big commerce city and not this pony town, but he hates big cities yet the reason we are here… let’s not go there. LOL

God willing I will keep this up and no fears there will be no selling of anything from me to anyone. This is just about me trying to live my best life and your are welcome join me on this journey.

Buckle up butter cup it is gonna be a bumpy ride!!!

 

Are You Free?

What does it mean to be free? Is being free waking up everyday? Getting to eat what you want? Going into your favorite department store? What the hell is free and being free really mean?

Let me tell you what being free means to me…. Being free is loving who I want the way I want. Being free is able to know and love myself completely. Being free is knowing that as a biracial woman nay an African woman that is pained by all the death I’ve seen in my life. Living in and with depression and migraines are not in line with being free, but it is large part of my life.

How am I not free? I am woman who lives in a Mayberry-ish town and the KKK are out and free to do as they chose. Racist are no longer keeping their hate and rage under wraps they are out calling the police if we take a deep breath on the sidewalk. The news is full of stories like this and it hurts me to the very depth of my core and it scares me raising 3 Black babies what they will do to my kids when they are not in my eye sight.

I am free to heal the brokenness that is me. The question is how do I heal myself and be free? How do I love others when I hardly love myself? Is this co-dependence Ilyana Vanzant? Giving my kids what I did not have as a child I think is the greatest gift I can give them. I have not idea what the world is really like anymore. I depend on him for all things, because I can’t find a job to solely depend on myself,  I learned something that could be the first step in getting free and that is what Ilyana Vanzant said that we are not fight flesh… We are fighting demons and principalities of our thoughts.  Change the way you think you can change your life. Isn’t that what they say?

So I ask again are you free? What does being free really mean?

Have you ever wished you were someone else? That you looked like Gal Godot, Beyonce, or some model? How about running away from your life? Just packing a bag, going to the airport and booking flight to anywhere, but where you are at this moment?

This is my life….don’t get me wrong I love my family, but I feel  suffocated here.  I am from the big city of Austin that is growing by leaps and bounds daily. The city has a life of it’s own, the air is sweeter, the water is better and my family is there. All that is here in one horse Pineville is his family and friends. By the way we hardly ever see unless he is needed for something.

If I were home in Austin finding a career would be a no biggie, but here it is hard as hell to even get a job at Walmart as a greeter. I have applied for so many jobs and been passed over so many times I have tracks on my back and resume.  I even tried working from home selling jewelry and make up. LOL I was my biggest paying customer….  My mom used to help out by buying from me, but I lost her in October 2017.

I live in a house where the roof in my office leaks in several places, the kitchen floor is warped and causing the door to be hard to open and lock. Every time it rains here my house gets bugs that never seem to want to leave. Let’s not talk about the ceiling fan in my son’s room that does not work. Or how the air conditioning does not reach my office and  I have 3 fans in here and it is still hot as hell. Or perhaps that there are 2 ceiling fans in my office and only one works…

All of my kids go to the same elementary school and the stupid idiots at the school board decided that next school year they going to split up the district and have to drive to 2 different schools to pick up and drop off my kids. How STUPID is that? I even called the school board to protest and I was shot down. I have to admit that I have never lived somewhere that I absolutely could not make life work for me, but here I can’t even get out and meet people. Here my life consist of going to school online, trying to write my mother’s memoirs through my eyes, trying to figure out how to set up a foundation in my mother’s name, be there for my kids, etc. I have started all these projects, but I have cast them to the back burner because I am not motivated.  Not to mention that I am going through perimenapause and I am always hot, uncomfortable, tired, and irritated due to the weight I have gained back. I was so depressed on yesterday Sunday July 1st because I could no longer fit into two of my favorite dresses. I feel and look like a fat bloated whale that has been beached on the sand.

I spend a lot of time looking at the Instagram page of Bella Bodiez where they take the fat and put in your breast or butt. These women look AMAZING just one week being post op.  The operation I want is called a BBL and it is like a full body fat removal and placement else where. For me I want all my fat put in my boobs. I went from 48DDD to a 34 C after I had my gastric bypass 6 years ago.  Uggg!!! I really hate being fat and I used to yoga daily since I can’t get the gym, but I am not even motivated for that and I have a alarm on my phone to remind me to do it.

Of course anytime he gets upset he will tell me that I can move back home to Texas and I tell him that if I do I am taking my kids and he never says he is going to fight to keep the kids or me.  To go with this heat, perimenapause, depression I have a migraine every night. My life in a small town where the highlight of my day once a month is to go grocery shopping by myself at the Walmart.  I miss my family and friends. I miss my life in Austin.

Do you ever feel this way?

I Was Reminded Why

I hate people! I have on and off with Javier for years now and now that he is finally leaving his baby momma and moving to Texas he decided that he wanted to be with some girl he met on IMVU and they are moving in together. Can you believe this shit? I would send him IM’s on Facebook messenger and he would never replied. Today he tells me that he did not reply to my messages out of respect for her! #Seriously

We have been together for over 4-5 years now and I really love Javier. I can tell now that his feelings were fake and were just a joke to him all this time. I am so pissed and hurt right now I don’t know if I should cry or scream! I will not cry about this because the last time he ended our relationship. I was so depressed and emotionally wounded it felt like the air had gone out of the room and I was dying. They only bright light are my kids.

I know what you are thinking.. Yes technically I have spouse for the last 14 years, but he and I live more as room mates due to how he treats me. It is more verbal lashing out due to his PTSD and depression. Then there is my depression issues, body issues, and other things that have put our “marriage” in this category.

This is why I love the name JadedGrace, because I am jaded when it comes to people. People are just jack asses and liars! I prefer to be alone in my head, my office, and just life. I hate him and people!

Tell Me The Truth

Hello Bloggersphere,

I know that it has been sometime since I have written to you on here, but I have been ill and trying to become and beauty influencer on my other page. Anyway, since the last time I talked to you I was in the mist of trying to change my life. I am still trying to get myself together especially since I lost my mother back in October 2017. Mother’s Day just passed by and if it had been for family and Wendy I would have stayed in bed all day. This is my first year to “celebrate” Mother’s Day without my momma.

For the past few months I have become a gym rat and I love the peace I have while being the gym sweating and getting back in shape. I am praying and hoping that after I have lost the weight I can get a bbl which is a full body lift. I want the fat sucked out put that fat in my boobs. I have seen the work of the medical company Bella Dollz and it is amazing! Hopefully, by then I will through this torture of perimenopause because these hot flashes and night sweats are for the birds. I started taking Estroven about a week and half ago and I am not sure that it is working, but I chose to think that it is.

Now, ladies and gentlemen let me ask the question that this post is actually written for.  What constitutes cheating? Is it mental or only physical? Some say that once you let another in your mind and you are thinking of them or that person “romances your mind” that is cheating. While others say that once you sleep with someone other than your spouse or lover then that is cheating. Now, let me say this once you put your toe on that line sleep with another woman or man and your dating or married then yes that is cheating. Now if you and your significant other can move past it that is great. I used to say to myself that if my spouse ever cheated on me I would hope that I could be forgiving. I know that when he was active duty and deployed more than he was home while I was “worried” about his safety in Iraq and Afghanistan I also know that is when soldiers cheat on their wives. This is also when wives cheat on their husband while back here in the states and the man/woman is deployed. Some women come up pregnant during this time and once the soldier is home on leave this when most wives come up pregnant. So if they can play off the pregnancy and the husband does not suspect anything then I guess life is golden. I would not know about this as it takes me praying Hannah’s prayer and infertility treatments to get pregnant so my spouse has to be home.

Ladies what are your feeling on this issue of cheating? Is it more of mental thing for you or is it the physical that would get your feathers ruffled? If the death of a parent drove your spouse to arms of another could you forgive that? I have known my bestie  for over 20+ years that her hubby (now ex) cheated on her and her mother in law told her. Now she has a high sex drive and now that she is single she has a regular boyfriend she has others on the side. Now they know about the other, but is this cheating? I have another friend that ran into her ex from high school and they had one night together and they have remained in contact since that night and they often talk about together again. He tells her he is working hard to get a house of his own and has offered her to come move in with him. He often tells her she needs to move back to San Diego their hometown so they can be together. We all know that California is now really expensive to live in especially if you don’t have a job lined up already. He has even offered to love and care for her only daughter as his own. What do you think she should do? What do you think of women having side dudes? To be honest men have been having affairs forever and having side chicks as well. Men have been doing dirt since the conception of time and women are just now catching up and playing the game. Again, I am NOT saying 2 wrongs make a right, but whats good for the goose is good for the gander don’t you think?

I sometimes admire cougars and those that can juggle more than one man. Then I think to myself I have absolutely no sex drive and I am wondering why my spouse stays with me knowing that he has needs and wants them fulfilled. I think to myself if he did find someone else to have it and just wrap it up and don’t bring her near my kids or in my house. And to make sure she is clean inside and out! I don’t want him getting any diseases that can’t be cured or treated.

I can sometime see why there are couples that have “open” relationships. They seem so happy on tv, but who really knows what is going on behind closed doors? What does the word “open” really mean when you are talking about your marriage or relationship? I have seen shows where  men have several wives (ie Sister Wives) where the women agree to live with this one man, have his children, etc. Granted he is only legally married to one woman the rest are just “promised” in marriage. Then there are those that are swingers (I saw this on ID on Own) where you swap mates with others. The golden rule it appears to swingers is do not fall in love with anyone. There are all these underground clubs and dark websites for swingers to hook up. Is this cheating since both are consensual to this action?

I really want to know what you are thinking on this topic. I have been thinking about this for sometime and I just want to know. I hope that while this topic is deep and heavy that it took your mind of whatever is on your mind. Remember God made you unique so you should stand out of the crowd and shine like the star that you are! Please post, comment and share this if you don’t mind.

XOXO

 

Temperature of Love

Have you ever watched a movie that made you think about your life in every aspect? Did you watch subtitles during that movie? I am currently watching a Korean drama called ‘Temperature of Love’ this movie is filled with twists and turns… ups and downs… you will laugh and you will cry.  Seriously, I am watching this movie thinking why do these dramas always draw me into them and make me think about what I want and what I don’t have.

There is a scene in the beginning where the main two characters are out and about she (Hyun Soo) goes to the ladies room and she came out and went sight seeing. Her boyfriend began to get worried and he took off to look for her and when she went back to where they were sitting and he (Chef Ohn) she got worried and realized that they love she felt for him 5 years ago has not gone from her heart. He feels the same way in fact when he was studying in France all he could talk about was this great love to his friend CEO Park.

To get to the point CEO Park and Chef Ohn are not only friends, business partners but they had no idea they were in love with the same woman. Until CEO Park went on a trip (the same trip) as Chef Ohn, Hyun Soo and two other friends and he spots the chef and Hyun Soo sitting by the river holding hands. CEO Park decides that his friendship is not worth anything and he decided to hurt his friend.  Let’s just say they are on more formal wave these days.

Let’s skip to where Hyun Soo mother needs brain surgery and the family can’t really afford it so CEO Park jumps in and gets the surgery scheduled. All the while the love birds are finding that they are not on the same page. She discovers that love is hard work and that in that love you can be with someone and still feel lonely, sad and a lone. Keep in mind being alone and lonely are 2 very different things and when you feel that way your in a loving relationship then something is wrong.  Even if it you there a wall up between you if you can talk it out then do so, if not then don’t do as I am staying because while you love in your heart it is not something you can no longer physically show. I am sure a lot of folks will say that staying for your kids is wrong, but if you grew up as I did then you would cut me some slack.

As I watch this not only do I get lost in their world, but  lost in mine as well. He has a dad that hit his mother while he was young and is now trying to make it up to him, but the chef won’t allow it. This girl grew up without a father and all I have ever wanted in this life was to know him and see him once even from a distance. But I have been robbed of that chance. For that reason I remain broken since that part of my heart has never been filled or made whole. I thought I could fill it with a husband, but I have long since realized that is not the answer. Therefore, I started this blog to try to find my way, but I am still lost in a land where love is perfect, happiness is like candy, joy is abundant.

Watching Kdramas makes me feel and I smile a lot when I watch them thinking why can’t my life and my husband  be like these men. Instead of one with PTSD and hard edges. You can love the person with, but not like them and that is where I am now.  I am trying hard, but to him I am hardly trying. Funny thing is tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary and this is the first time he brought it up first as if I would forget. I am used to  him not being here all the time and his absence changed me profoundly. 50 percent for the good and 50 percent for the bad. I am guessing he only sees the bad especially since he is only nice and sweet is when he wants sex. I have told him to romance my mind, but he does not have a clue what that means. I have only encountered two men who knew what that meant and they were both Korean lol. Before you ask no I have not met them in real life nor do I want too. But it is nice to meet someone that is on your level of thinking.

I know your thinking how does this tie into the KDrama? Hyun Soo is writing a television series called Good Soup did not call and it is about her love for the Chef. It will have a sad ending since she broke up with the Chef and returned his ring. While she may have walked away from him physically her heart and his heart remain tied together. CEO Park said in the drama “humans are better off alone.” Sometimes I agree with that statement especially if you are not on the same wave length as your partner. The chef and the tv writer are on the same path, but they are both mixed up in their own confused lives to let the other in completely. This could be the downfall for many couples, I hope it is not for this couple, but time can only tell.  Considering what CEO Park has lost in his friendship with Chef Ohn he can’t help but still love Hyun Soo.

Life is no 40 episode Korean drama where you love, you fight, you make up, break up and still end up happy. Instead you drink soju, beer, wine or in my case Jack Daniels and Coke smoke a lot of cigarettes and cry yourself to sleep.  Don’t feel bad for me or Hyun Soo and Chef Ohn life is hard and sometimes love just complicates it.

If you want to look at Korean Drama then go to your Google Play Store and download DramaFever. I believe its 7 days free then after that you can pick your plan for the month. I do believe you will enjoy them more than day time soap operas.

#KDrama #thinlinebetweenloveandhate #lifeiscomplicated #lovesucks #endingfriendships #Korea #Kpop