Time Does Not Heal

When my mother died over a year ago every one would say one of two things to my brother and I. They would say “I know how you feel” or “Time heals all”. Let me tell you both are lies.  I pray that no one has to know or find out what it is like to walk into a room find their mother or parent  died in their home. That is a vision that will never leave me for the rest of my days. It haunts my dreams and my every thought. I was watching  a show on Investigation Discovery where two little girls get home from school and find their father murdered in their living room.  I have to admit that it caught me off guard and I broke down crying. 

1/5/19

Have you ever just listened to a song and for no reason you start to cry and get into your emotions? That happened to me early this morning when I was lip syncing to songs on Tik Tok. I ended up going to bed feeling sad and not really being able to sleep, but once I did go to sleep GUESS WHAT? My spouse work me up telling me he was going to the ER because his allergies had started to prevent him from talking. I have already prayed for God’s super to be the natural of the staff in the ER and for his total healing.  It is now almost 8 am on Saturday and I have only had what seems like 5 minutes of sleep. This gonna be a long day….

 

Where To Start and What To Leave Behind?

I know what you are thinking and yes, I am back and I pray God willing that I will be able to keep this blog going and maybe pick up some partnerships along the way, but that is not the sole purpose of this blog.  This is the only way to get my feelings out and not have them break me in every way.

I can not believe that 2018 is coming to an end and 2019 is about to end.  It seems like yesterday I was writing on here about 2017 and little did I know I would be losing my mother and trying to find myself all in the same year.Well, I am still dealing with the loss of my mother an I have yet to put my life back together.

I am truly at a loss for what my life is supposed to be about. No matter how much I pray and ask God for the “big picture” of my future I have yet to see it. I don’t know what to do with myself so Monday through Friday I go to the gym and eat good for you food and only to find out that I am weighing about as much as I did before I had Gastric Bypass about 7 or so years ago. It is like I hit the age that I am and BOOM perimenapause and bam damm the weight just came from nowhere. I mean I work out, eat spinach, baked or grilled meats, fruit, protein shakes, drink plenty of water, etc so I don’t know where the fat is coming from. It really sucks to not be able to sleep comfortably at night, knee pain, lower back pain, etc. I am just so uncomfortable these days. I went from 149 to 208 and I hate the way that I look and feel.

I have tried every fad diet, gel, pill you name it and I am ready to just tell my doctor to schedule me to have gastric bypass again, because I can not live like this.. Hell, I don’t want to live this way.. The only thing that stops me for just ending it all is that I have 3 kids that need me and I need them. And yes, I am married for 14 years and my marriage could be better, but I know that I am 50% too  blame because I have no sex drive and I can’t even muster the will to fake it. He is to blame as well, because his temper is crazy one minute he is calm and cool and the next microsecond he is cussing and screaming at us for whatever reason. Granted his PTSD is part of this equation, but you can not read the Bible and turn around and start yelling and tossing out cuss words like it is a dude in the strip club throwing one dollar bills at strippers.

I stop trying to change him years ago and started trying to change me instead. I read my Bible, journal my thoughts and prayers, give Him praise for who He is and not what He does for me or my family. I truly believe that there is more out there for me and I can’t achieve them living here Pineville. I need to be in a big commerce city and not this pony town, but he hates big cities yet the reason we are here… let’s not go there. LOL

God willing I will keep this up and no fears there will be no selling of anything from me to anyone. This is just about me trying to live my best life and your are welcome join me on this journey.

Buckle up butter cup it is gonna be a bumpy ride!!!

 

I Was Reminded Why

I hate people! I have on and off with Javier for years now and now that he is finally leaving his baby momma and moving to Texas he decided that he wanted to be with some girl he met on IMVU and they are moving in together. Can you believe this shit? I would send him IM’s on Facebook messenger and he would never replied. Today he tells me that he did not reply to my messages out of respect for her! #Seriously

We have been together for over 4-5 years now and I really love Javier. I can tell now that his feelings were fake and were just a joke to him all this time. I am so pissed and hurt right now I don’t know if I should cry or scream! I will not cry about this because the last time he ended our relationship. I was so depressed and emotionally wounded it felt like the air had gone out of the room and I was dying. They only bright light are my kids.

I know what you are thinking.. Yes technically I have spouse for the last 14 years, but he and I live more as room mates due to how he treats me. It is more verbal lashing out due to his PTSD and depression. Then there is my depression issues, body issues, and other things that have put our “marriage” in this category.

This is why I love the name JadedGrace, because I am jaded when it comes to people. People are just jack asses and liars! I prefer to be alone in my head, my office, and just life. I hate him and people!

Temperature of Love

Have you ever watched a movie that made you think about your life in every aspect? Did you watch subtitles during that movie? I am currently watching a Korean drama called ‘Temperature of Love’ this movie is filled with twists and turns… ups and downs… you will laugh and you will cry.  Seriously, I am watching this movie thinking why do these dramas always draw me into them and make me think about what I want and what I don’t have.

There is a scene in the beginning where the main two characters are out and about she (Hyun Soo) goes to the ladies room and she came out and went sight seeing. Her boyfriend began to get worried and he took off to look for her and when she went back to where they were sitting and he (Chef Ohn) she got worried and realized that they love she felt for him 5 years ago has not gone from her heart. He feels the same way in fact when he was studying in France all he could talk about was this great love to his friend CEO Park.

To get to the point CEO Park and Chef Ohn are not only friends, business partners but they had no idea they were in love with the same woman. Until CEO Park went on a trip (the same trip) as Chef Ohn, Hyun Soo and two other friends and he spots the chef and Hyun Soo sitting by the river holding hands. CEO Park decides that his friendship is not worth anything and he decided to hurt his friend.  Let’s just say they are on more formal wave these days.

Let’s skip to where Hyun Soo mother needs brain surgery and the family can’t really afford it so CEO Park jumps in and gets the surgery scheduled. All the while the love birds are finding that they are not on the same page. She discovers that love is hard work and that in that love you can be with someone and still feel lonely, sad and a lone. Keep in mind being alone and lonely are 2 very different things and when you feel that way your in a loving relationship then something is wrong.  Even if it you there a wall up between you if you can talk it out then do so, if not then don’t do as I am staying because while you love in your heart it is not something you can no longer physically show. I am sure a lot of folks will say that staying for your kids is wrong, but if you grew up as I did then you would cut me some slack.

As I watch this not only do I get lost in their world, but  lost in mine as well. He has a dad that hit his mother while he was young and is now trying to make it up to him, but the chef won’t allow it. This girl grew up without a father and all I have ever wanted in this life was to know him and see him once even from a distance. But I have been robbed of that chance. For that reason I remain broken since that part of my heart has never been filled or made whole. I thought I could fill it with a husband, but I have long since realized that is not the answer. Therefore, I started this blog to try to find my way, but I am still lost in a land where love is perfect, happiness is like candy, joy is abundant.

Watching Kdramas makes me feel and I smile a lot when I watch them thinking why can’t my life and my husband  be like these men. Instead of one with PTSD and hard edges. You can love the person with, but not like them and that is where I am now.  I am trying hard, but to him I am hardly trying. Funny thing is tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary and this is the first time he brought it up first as if I would forget. I am used to  him not being here all the time and his absence changed me profoundly. 50 percent for the good and 50 percent for the bad. I am guessing he only sees the bad especially since he is only nice and sweet is when he wants sex. I have told him to romance my mind, but he does not have a clue what that means. I have only encountered two men who knew what that meant and they were both Korean lol. Before you ask no I have not met them in real life nor do I want too. But it is nice to meet someone that is on your level of thinking.

I know your thinking how does this tie into the KDrama? Hyun Soo is writing a television series called Good Soup did not call and it is about her love for the Chef. It will have a sad ending since she broke up with the Chef and returned his ring. While she may have walked away from him physically her heart and his heart remain tied together. CEO Park said in the drama “humans are better off alone.” Sometimes I agree with that statement especially if you are not on the same wave length as your partner. The chef and the tv writer are on the same path, but they are both mixed up in their own confused lives to let the other in completely. This could be the downfall for many couples, I hope it is not for this couple, but time can only tell.  Considering what CEO Park has lost in his friendship with Chef Ohn he can’t help but still love Hyun Soo.

Life is no 40 episode Korean drama where you love, you fight, you make up, break up and still end up happy. Instead you drink soju, beer, wine or in my case Jack Daniels and Coke smoke a lot of cigarettes and cry yourself to sleep.  Don’t feel bad for me or Hyun Soo and Chef Ohn life is hard and sometimes love just complicates it.

If you want to look at Korean Drama then go to your Google Play Store and download DramaFever. I believe its 7 days free then after that you can pick your plan for the month. I do believe you will enjoy them more than day time soap operas.

#KDrama #thinlinebetweenloveandhate #lifeiscomplicated #lovesucks #endingfriendships #Korea #Kpop

#MeToo now What?

#Metoo is an awesome movement to bring awareness to the abuse women face in the entertainment industry and in the everyday working woman.  Granted the actress Alyssa Milano brought the hashtag MeToo to the lime light with a tweet asking have you been sexually harassed and within 48 hours was tweeted over a million times.

Tarana started the #Metoo over a decade ago and in her book that will coming out next year “Where The Light Enters” where she talks about the sexual harassment women face on a daily basis. This is something that happens to much in the minority communities because of the way she dresses or looks. I have even heard some men say “she shouldn’t have that tiny skirt and belly shirt. She was asking for it!” That kind of man and mindset literally agitate the hell out me. No matter what I wear gives you the right to touch me any way let alone by force!

1 in 5 women are being assaulted daily. What does this say about the culture of men today? I remember when the college kid raped a drunk girl by a garbage can outside a club. This is where the term “White privilege” came about because he got very little time in jail and once he we released he again got his 15 minutes of fame and a slap on the wrist! Now, if that were a man of color he would been thrown under the jail and labeled a predator! As a mother of daughter (she is 10 years old) this statistic scares me to death, because when she goes off to college and some guy decides he has to have her no matter what – then I will be in jail for killing this guy. With my daughter I am teaching her to respect herself in every way. I am teaching her that if she is uncomfortable in a place then she needs to leave and not look back. If someone touches you and you are not consenting then you need to tell someone immediately. On the other hand I am raising 2 boys as well (they are 8 years old) to learn from me that you are to be a respectable young man of faith and love. When it comes to dating when you get older when she says NO that means NO period and you don’t need to cross that line. I am raising my kids the way my mother raised me and my brother. With the exception that my daughter can do the things I was not allowed too such as garden, trick or treat, spend the night with friends.

Every since #metoo started in the news women from Hollywood and everyday working moms like me have spoken out against their attackers. Even Donald Trump was hit with 16 women saying he was predator and sexually harassed them. However, in this case when you have a man that says “Grab’em in the p*ssy and when your a star they let you” mentality. How on earth are we supposed to survive? They say if the man in the White House can do it and get away with it so can I! Since the inception of #metoo every woman felt free to come forth with her story.

Have you ever been harassed or cat called in the work place, on set, in school, at a restaurant? Now is your time to stand up and say just because I am a woman does not make me your centerfold! Stand up and say #metoo!!

2018 I’m Trying

It’s only February and I feel like giving up and running back to my dark cave to hide.  But I am continuing to progress and try to make this year my year! I have started to send out cute pictures of me with a prayer attached through my IG which is linked to my FB and Twitter accounts. I have no idea if anyone is paying attention or even reading my posts, but I have done what God told me to do without hesitation and with a open heart.

Yesterday, I found out that my play momma (my bestie’s mom) is in the hospital with fluid around her heart.  She scared the shit out of me when she sent me a text stating that “I just want you to know that I love you an I am in the hospital.”  After losing my mother in October of 2017 this kind of text just freaked me out and sent my world screaming while trying not to relive the moment that mother died.  The she sent me another text stating “Call your sister” and that scared me even more. I called my bestie (sister) and she explained everything to me about momma’s condition. So then I was relieved, however, that was short lived.

Well, then my girl hits me with a swift upper cut and says she going to have hip surgery next week. It just seems that I get hit over the head with the fear of losing everyone that I love. I have lost my uncles, my grandparents and my mother… All I have in this world is my big brother “Batman” and my best friend! If I lost either of them then I would be alone with the exception of my kids and their father. But I would have no one left of my family. Ok Ok technically I will have 2 aunts, a multitude of cousins, 3 nieces and 2 nephews and my sister in law. Is she still considered my sister in law if something happens to my brother? Hmmm I will have to look into that…

On a lighter side of heaven I am back in school to get my associates degree in Medical Coding and Billing.  My school has given me a NEW FREE HP Laptop which I am typing this post. Thank you #UMA !!

 

The Jaded Legal System and Us

A justice system which tolerates injustice is doomed to collapse. — Leonard Noisette, quoted in Reducing Racial Disparities in the Criminal Justice System (2000)

How are we as minorities suppose to operate within a system that is not meant to work for us? Over the last few years the news has been filled with reports of cops killing unarmed Black people. With this recent corruption in the White House racism and racist acts on the uprise, the alt-right coming out the dark into the light and doing deadly and creepy things to minorities.

There are creeps like Chuck C.Johnson a known White Supremacist and  Holocaust denier was on the same flight with Auntie Maxine Waters. Instead of just asking for a photo with Auntie Maxine he decides to be a super creeper and take a photo “with” Maxine and then gets on Twitter and stays “I am sitting next to a female congressman on a flight from DCA to LAX who just said that she hopes an accused sexual harassing congressman Ruben J. Kihuen sticks it out. She spoke with a Hispanic man who is seated to my left one row up. He said that Kihuen was going to go meet Harry Reid who still “runs the show”. I’ll post a selfie with Congresswoman Maxine Waters when I land.

So much for #Metoo.”  Who do you think responded to his creeper tweet? None other than Trayvon Martin’s murderer George Zimmerman! Go figure right? Of course his racist arse on his dude’s twitter account and making comments like ““I guess the WE THE PEOPLE are paying for first class ticket so she can sleep on the plane,” he commented. He also referred to Waters as another fellow Black congresswoman writing, “Corrine Brown is trying to Flee her prison sentence.”  Every time I see George Zimmerman in the news I get mad. When exactly will his arse be locked up for life and put on pod where everyone knows he killed Trayvon? The answer to that is easy… NEVER! If the roles were reversed that brother would have been on lock down from day 1! Try to tell me differently and I will call you a liar.

Omar Navarro, Waters’ opponent for her House seat, commented on the creepy picture.  Navarro’s simple “LOL” comment has been deleted. But tell me why is Auntie Maxine’s opponent even looking a known White Supremacist? What do you think this going to do for his outcome in the polls? I believe it will just boost his ratings in the poll among the alt right, skinheads, Nazi’s and Nazi wanna be’s that actually vote.  If I were in this guys constituency I would let him know that just because you delete your “LOL” does not mean it’s gone forever and trust me it will come back to bite you in the arse later!

People it’s time for y’all to wake up and smell the coffee or in my case the tea LOL… History always repeats itself, but it how we as a people react to the new story that is actually the old story. We are a mighty people and a chosen people in God’s Kingdom.  As long as we know who we are and WHOSE we are.. Life and its hatred of us (even though they copy us and want to be us on the low key) we can still hold our heads up high, back straight and boldly sit at the counter and if there is chair at the table for us then we can bring our own RED chair to sit in!

 

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1st Christmas and Then There’s 2018

Merry Christmas y’all! It took me sometime to get my thoughts right to write this blog, because this is my first Christmas without my mom. I got up on Christmas and I wanted to call my mom and say “Merry Christmas momma”  and as I go for my phone her picture and dark blue urn are staring me in the face. It’s like a WHAM I can’t call her anymore. No more 10 page text messages. No more hearing her say “I love you babygirl.” No more hearing her call me babygirl…

The only difference between Christmas of 2016 is that Rob fought with my momma. They both said dreadful words to each other and this Christmas was no different except this year except my momma was not here and the harshness was done from their side only, but that is an everyday occurance when they get together.

Now 2018, is thundering in and everyone is saying speak your life into existence. Funny thing is I have been doing that for years and I am still struggling in quicksand.  Spending 5 days in the hospital and not really knowing if I would be home before Christmas or not made me think about my life.

Growing up I would dream of traveling the world. Experiencing life through the eyes and taste buds other people, cultures, places, etc. Paris is the place that dreamed of most because it is so beautiful and romantic. Paris is full of rich history, style, fashion, iconic legends live there and were forced to run to Europe due to racist times in this country.  As I grew up I wanted to go to London to just eat fish and fries LOL. In London I just wanted to be a tourist and take in the sites and sounds. Then there is Asia…I want to visit every place in Asia from Tokyo to Malaysia. Possibly live in Asia (mainly Seoul) and visit Busan beaches and eateries. Then head to the land down under Australia and play with a few kangaroos, go to the opera, beaches, visit a few pubs and shops. Zip over to Germany backpack to Zurich and everywhere in between just to try the food, perhaps visit the places that not on the tourist map (if you know what I mean).

Where did that world traveler go? A part of her has been dying since the day her Uncle Sunny died. It didn’t help that she lost her grandfather next. This man who raised 5 kids stepped in and became her father figure – Gone!  While it was a few years in between (it seemed like warp speed) when I was told that my Uncle Walter was in hospice and dying. I went everyday after school to make sure he ate, had his favorite sodas, cigarettes, etc. Then before I knew it sitting on my couch in LA watching tv my momma calls and says “baby girl grandma is gone” What do mean gone momma? I believe that is when my world actually shattered a bit and the curtain was torn down.  Then this past October my world just flat out broke/shattered/splintered in all  4 corners. To find her… just blew up every myth about life I ever held true.

Now, I am going into 2018 and I have always spoke life, good health, wealth, joy and happiness over myself, but I look in the mirror and I hardly know this person. I see my momma and grandmother’s face looking back at me (they are both extremely beautiful women), but I have to wonder where is that wide-eyed, modern day wanderer who wrote poetry, whose smile was not a mask, who never questioned her existence or reason for being on this earth.

Then I look at 3 faces that I brought into this world and think maybe you are the reason why I am here,  but I am not just destined to be June Cleaver or am I. I still dream of travelling the world and living in Asia, but when you have a “help mate” that hates to travel, fly, experience life abroad. I want to teach overseas. Here I am going into another year.. Dreams unfulfilled or is that Dreams Deferred? I really don’t know….

You my loyal readers are my outlet to the world…Go into the new year with a hope and prayer for a new you.. #Doyou and Inspire as you go along whatever path you take. If the path your own is no longer the way you want to go then change the path and keep it moving.

As for me I am going find a medium that works for me. Something that makes me happy, be in a place that makes me happy, find peace in myself and my surroundings. I am tired of the noise that never seems to end. Maybe my heartbeat will do a quick step and the migraines will just disappear.  And I will no longer feel like I am squished in a box under that car crusher machine in the junkyard on a daily basis.